I am beginning to understand and accept the grace of transition in my life. I've recovered from the frustrating stage of being a petulant child who refuses to accept that I can't have what I want -- my husband back -- to an adult woman who realizes that it is my job and my need to find my way alone. There is a certain peace that I am beginning to find and to feel.
With my new found acceptance (peace), I have been enjoying decorating my home for Christmas. There are lights on my deck and the front of my house -- sweet fairy lights that shine out into the world welcoming the birth of our sweet Jesus.
In the past, Len and I would have enjoyed the great "Christmas Tree Hunt" -- either going out in the woods to find a beautiful cedar (his favorite) or to a tree farm to find a spruce (my favorite). This year my Christmas Tree is a small artificial tree that was my Mom's. It is precious to me. It is pre-lit (what a wonderful thing), and it is flocked so that it looks like there is snow on the branches and is adorned with beautiful, red berries -- a woodland tree. It is perfect. It is so perfect that I was inclined to leave it "bare" -- no ornamentation.
Like all of us, I have amassed hundreds of ornaments collected lovingly over the years. I usually love the hours I spend taking them out of their boxes and hanging them on the tree, enjoying the memories that each ornament holds. As I continued to decide on how much I was going to decorate the tree and the house, I realized I did not want to use those memory-filled ornaments. So, instead I decided I was going to just pull out my box of glass beads and simply drape them on the tree.
To my great surprise, I opened a small box that was in with all my glass beads, and found some ancient, delicate, fragile glass ornaments that had been in Len's family since forever -- most likely his grandmother's. I had packed them away for safe-keeping as I had always been afraid of using them. As I opened the box and carefully discovered each beautiful little ball, I was warmed by the presence of memories of Christmases "past". You know the feeling -- the ability (as years go on) to bump up against a "memory" and smile instead of cry.
As I held these precious balls in my hand I decided that they had to be on the tree this year. As I began to hang them on my little tree I felt my husband, I felt his mother and father, his grandparents, his children and grandchildren -- I spoke to him and began to cry -- the gentle tears of acceptance. I talked to him about how I loved these old ornaments, how I was missing him so much, but that we are all okay. And then, all of a sudden, I started laughing! I realized that here I was describing all the things that I was enjoying about Christmas, how much I missed him, and it hit me! WAIT! Why am I feeling bad that you aren't here with me for Christmas? You are in heaven and getting ready to go to Jesus' birthday party! Talk about the ultimate Christmas celebration! I laughed, I smiled, I felt at peace.
My simple, little Christmas tree with its fragile, delicate ornaments is perfect.
With my new found acceptance (peace), I have been enjoying decorating my home for Christmas. There are lights on my deck and the front of my house -- sweet fairy lights that shine out into the world welcoming the birth of our sweet Jesus.
In the past, Len and I would have enjoyed the great "Christmas Tree Hunt" -- either going out in the woods to find a beautiful cedar (his favorite) or to a tree farm to find a spruce (my favorite). This year my Christmas Tree is a small artificial tree that was my Mom's. It is precious to me. It is pre-lit (what a wonderful thing), and it is flocked so that it looks like there is snow on the branches and is adorned with beautiful, red berries -- a woodland tree. It is perfect. It is so perfect that I was inclined to leave it "bare" -- no ornamentation.
Like all of us, I have amassed hundreds of ornaments collected lovingly over the years. I usually love the hours I spend taking them out of their boxes and hanging them on the tree, enjoying the memories that each ornament holds. As I continued to decide on how much I was going to decorate the tree and the house, I realized I did not want to use those memory-filled ornaments. So, instead I decided I was going to just pull out my box of glass beads and simply drape them on the tree.
To my great surprise, I opened a small box that was in with all my glass beads, and found some ancient, delicate, fragile glass ornaments that had been in Len's family since forever -- most likely his grandmother's. I had packed them away for safe-keeping as I had always been afraid of using them. As I opened the box and carefully discovered each beautiful little ball, I was warmed by the presence of memories of Christmases "past". You know the feeling -- the ability (as years go on) to bump up against a "memory" and smile instead of cry.
As I held these precious balls in my hand I decided that they had to be on the tree this year. As I began to hang them on my little tree I felt my husband, I felt his mother and father, his grandparents, his children and grandchildren -- I spoke to him and began to cry -- the gentle tears of acceptance. I talked to him about how I loved these old ornaments, how I was missing him so much, but that we are all okay. And then, all of a sudden, I started laughing! I realized that here I was describing all the things that I was enjoying about Christmas, how much I missed him, and it hit me! WAIT! Why am I feeling bad that you aren't here with me for Christmas? You are in heaven and getting ready to go to Jesus' birthday party! Talk about the ultimate Christmas celebration! I laughed, I smiled, I felt at peace.
My simple, little Christmas tree with its fragile, delicate ornaments is perfect.
Merry Christmas & Happy Birthday Sweet Jesus.
3 comments:
Beautiful! Walking in Grace is a gift.
My sweet friend this is AWESOME!!! I want to be just like you when I grow up:) Thank you so much for always being my encourager!!! I love you so much and pray you are flooded with good memories of Len this Christmas season:)
Marie --- Thank you, my sweet friend. I love you so much and hold you near and dear in my heart and prayers this Christmas. PEACE. PEACE. PEACE.
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