New Year’s Eve 2011
This is the 62nd New Year’s Eve of my life. But it is unlike any other New Year’s Eve I’ve ever had, ever dreamed of, ever imagined.
Like all other New Year’s Eves that I can remember – I’m looking backward and forward at the very same time. I’m looking back on the current year, gleaning what lessons I can, and at the same time, looking forward to a new year with new possibilities, new chances, new starts.
Boy, I remember some New Year’s Eves and counting down the hours until the current year was FINALLY OVER! We’ve all had those years. Years that were just so hard; so filled with challenges, disappointments, and sadness that we just can’t wait to kiss it good-bye.
This is not one of those years. I thought it might be, but as the evening progresses and my thoughts start to gel, I realize this is the strangest, most bittersweet New Year’s Eve I’ve ever experienced. Lord knows that this last year has been filled with some of the greatest challenges, the deepest valleys, and the greatest sadness I have ever experienced. But in no way am I sitting here waiting to kiss it good-bye – to kiss it off.
I am coming up on my 10th month of firsts -- my first anniversary; my first birthday; my first Easter; his first birthday. And the biggest firsts of them all - Christmas. Now, I’m having my first New Year’s Eve, my first New Year’s Day, and dear Lord help me, my first New Year without him.
The first year after the loss of your love is comprised of 365 firsts! Yes, we think about the biggies … as listed above. But, the reality is that there are 365 firsts, as each day is the first you have without him/her.
Christmas was rougher, harder, sadder, sorer than I had imagined. Yes, I expected that it would be tough, but as they say, until you’ve been there you have no idea. However, like all the days that had preceded it, I got through Christmas and was relieved and lighter when it was over.
Now, that’s not to say that I did not embrace Christmas, because I did. Much to my friend’s amazement, I put up a Christmas tree (albeit, a small one and who needs ornaments anyway), strung some lights in front of the house (just ‘cause I’m sad no need to cheat my neighbors), and even sent out Christmas cards. In fact, until the last few days before Christmas, I was really enjoying Christmas in the purest sense. I was focused on the three M’s of Christmas, not the 3 P’s.
The 3 M’s of Christmas are the Miracle (of the virgin birth and God coming to earth as man), the Message (unto us a Child was born who would give his life to save ours), and the Majesty (The son of God, the King of Kings). It is probably the first time in my life that I’ve been so focused on and in touch with the true significance of Christmas and I was filled with peace and joy. Oh … you are probably wondering what the 3 P’s are. They are the typical focus of Christmas … Picking (picking the right gift for each person), Packaging (wrapping each gift with love trying to make it special), and Preparing (the house, the food, the decorations, and on and on and on).
No, this Christmas I was much more focused on the 3 M’s and the peace it brought me was beyond my comprehension. What about the picking, the packing, the preparing? Well, they just kinda took care of themselves.
However, slowly but surely, the human condition of grief crept back in and the peace of the 3 M’s had to fight to stay in my consciousness. Tears, sleeplessness, the hole in my heart all fought for center stage. Thank God for our children and grandchild – being together on this “first” Christmas let us spread the grief and the support. Amid the profound sadness of Len not being with us, was the strength, the love, and the tenacity of the clan. We got through the day. We laughed, we cried, we told stories, and we hugged a lot.
Now it’s New Year’s Eve. I’m here by myself and I can so easily weep. I think of all the New Year’s Eves we shared. The fireworks on the front yard for the kids, the quiet dinners at Pixie & Bill’s, the good night kiss and a promise to see each other next year. I miss my husband. I miss my friend. I miss my partner in life.
I can’t imagine having a full life again, but I know I will. I can’t imagine every day not being a “first”, but I know in time it will. My life will go on. My life will continue to grow and expand in ways I know that I cannot even imagine. My God has a plan for me and I have no idea what it is, but I do know some things for sure.
God’s plan for me is:
- Divine
- Leading me to my highest good.
- Allowing me to use the gifts He has given to me in His service.
- To help others who are struggling.
- To bring me fulfillment and happiness.
- To reunite me with my beloved in our Heavenly home.
- Safe and secure.
“Look, I have set before you an open door, which no one is able to shut.”
Rev 3:8
Ah, what an inspirational way to look at this approaching new year! I can do this! Yes, oh yes, there is a sadness that I hold on to this last night of 2011 – a sadness that is tender and sweet and will forever be mine. And, as I look past this evening to tomorrow, to the first day of 2012, I do so with hope in what awaits me, faith that God has finally gotten my attention and that he will fully use me, and with excitement for what the future holds.
Ambivalence. Oh yes. The process of grief and healing is the true definition of ambivalence. We are sad and we are expectant. We are sad and we are hopeful. We are sad and we are glad. We are living. We are growing. We are healing. And that’s as it should be.
