The Broken Road

It is true that sometimes the path that God lays out for us is a broken road … rutted, full of pot holes, and very dangerous to our high heels and our ankles.   

Like you, I’ve been on my share of broken roads.  Today I’m thinking about a very specific broken road and the faith required to keep going down this rocky, uncomfortable path.

Have you ever heard the song, "Bless The Broken Road" by Rascal Flats?   (Yes, others have recorded it, but I’m only familiar with this one).

I set out on a narrow way, many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you

Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart, they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true

That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

I think about the years I spent, just passing through
I'd like to have the time I lost, and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You've been there, you understand
It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true

Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart, they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true

That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

Like the writer of this song, I spent way too much of my life walking down a path that was filled with disappointment, shattered dreams, and false loves.   Then one day, God blessed me by putting my husband-to-be at the end of that old broken road.  

You know that old saying ... so-and-so looks like tens miles of dirt road? Well, I know how I looked after years and countless miles on that ole' broken road. I looked tired. I looked skeptical. I looked like I had given up hope. And I had.  

But, there stood this man. This man who was like unlike any other man I had met or known. A man that spoke to my heart without saying a single word. A man that spoke by is actions and his deeds.

Every word of this song resonates in my heart.  The song became my anthem; it was the song I sang to my husband at our wedding; it’s the song that breaks my heart every time I hear it.

Why?   I thought my broken road had ended.   I thought that having met my true love that my path would be smooth, well marked, and unobstructed.   Well, guess what?   It wasn’t.    Ten months ago my husband passed away … he had been diagnosed with ALL Leukemia and ten months later Jesus called him home.   

Now … now I’m back on a broken road.   I hear this song and I think of my sweet husband and what his love meant to me.   I hear the song and I know that what the road is now leading me to is a closer relationship with my God.   I’m walking in Faith, I’m walking with Grace … I’m walking forward knowing that ALWAYS and in ALL WAYS, God has a plan for me and it is mighty!

The last time I heard this song was at the end of our Sunday School study of the psalms of ascent. At the end of the series, Beth Moore (the author of the study) played this song for her daughter. Hearing it, I broke down into a river of tears and was silently comforted by one of my Grace Sisters. For days that song, it's original meaning, and my loss, were all that I could feel. Then, as I looked around, I realized that so many of my sisters are on the same road.

Today, I hear this song and think of my sisters ... we are all struggling with something -- a broken heart, a broken body, a broken home, a broken promise. But, the beauty is that we are all putting one foot in front of the next, being propelled by our faith, and knowing in our hearts and souls that God's love and guidance will keep us safe on this journey. God put us on this broken road and it is our job to walk the road and discover what God has designed for us ... what gifts await us at the end of the road.
Faith is what got me through my husband's illness and his death. Faith is what has kept me from crawling under the blankets and never coming out. Faith is what has sustained me. Faith is what continues to grow inside of me.
The gifts that God has given me throughout this journey are nothing short of AMAZING! Yes, Amazing, Amazing Grace! It's the stuff that fills in the potholes on those broken roads we sometimes have to walk.

From Roller Coaster to Ferris Wheel

Just when I thought I was "clicking right along" ... guess what?   One of those ole walls I keep running into jumped out and got me again!  DANG!

Since the New Year I have been:   Happy, Focused, Excited, Involved, Feeling Purposeful, Joyful.   In other words, since the New Year I haven't been crying my eyes out.   I was really excited about that since I had spent the better part of CHRISTmas week and New Year's Eve being weepy at the least, and sobbing at the worst.  

So, what turned my world around today?   You're all going to laugh and nod your head in understanding.   I spent time in my husband's basement (known as the "man cave" in today's lingo).  YUP.   I went into the basement to start weeding through some things.   YUP.   The first hour was pretty easy -- lots of obvious, easy, impersonal things to sort and toss.   And YUP, OUCH, GROAN .... all of a sudden I'm coming across things I wasn't ready to see.  CHRISTmas cards Len had picked out for the children and me that were never given, the last anniversary card I sent to him, endless pads with his writing on them.

GULP!!!  In a matter of minutes I went from "singing as I work" to "crying in my beer".   At first, as I came across each of these objects, I would wince, tear up a bit, but kiss the object and tell Len how much I love him.   However, as the number of "things" I came across grew, they accumulated a weight that amazed me.  I could not keep my perspective.   I could not have just a little boo hoo and move on.   NO!   I was MAD.   I was SAD.   I was ANGRY.  I was HURT.   I felt ALONE.  I was sobbing (again).

I am beginning to equate various stages of grief to amusement park rides.  For a long time my grief felt like being on a roller coaster.  For me that meant:  being scared, being terrified, holding on for dear life, feeling like I was going to throw up, and defintely feeling quite sure I may die.  

Now, 10 months later, my grief is feeling like a ferris wheel ride. Hmmm, she says.   Recently my grief has been a gentler, kinder ride than that ole roller coaster I was on!   The ferris wheel allows me to enjoy the view.  It moves much slower than that ole roller coaster, which means I don't have to hold on for dear life.   In fact, the ferris can be quite pleasant at times.   The ONLY time it gets a little rocky for me is when I'm up at the top of the wheel, the operator stops the wheel to let someone on or off, and the wind starts to pick up.   Then, oh yes, I start to get scared.   I STOP enjoying the ride and the view and am overtaken by my sadness, my fear, my aloneness.

The good news is .... the ferris wheel starts up again .... and because it moves nice and slow and I don't need to hang on for dear life, I can breathe, I can keep my eyes open, and I can see the beauty of the world and my life while the wheel slowly and gently brings me back to earth and the present.   

Thank you, sweet Lord, for your grace and the comfort your grace brings to us in our time of sadness, fear, and feelings of lonliness.  Grief is a long, hard journey with many seasons, many colors, and many phases.   But the one thing that is constant is God's love for us and his willingness to always be there for us and to continue to carry us and guide us out of the wilderness of grief into the warm light of his grace.