Time

What is time?   Well, according to dictionary.com, TIME is:

1.  the system of those sequential relations that any event has to any other, as past, present, or future; indefinite and continuous duration regarded as that in which events succeed one another.

2.  duration regarded as belonging to the present life as distinct from the life to come or from eternity; finite duration.

3. (sometimes initial capital letter ) a system or method of measuring or reckoning the passage of time: mean time; apparent time; Greenwich Time.

4. a limited period or interval, as between two successive events: a long time.

5. a particular period considered as distinct from other periods: Youth is the best time of life.


Despite those definitions, I am finding that “time” is truly relative!   “It’s been so long!.”   That can mean it’s been 100 days or 1 day … depending on the speaker; depending on how MUCH the elapsed “time” dragged.    “It’ll only take second.”   So often spoken meaning not 1/60th of a minute, but just a “little” bit” of “time”.

Am I making you dizzy?   Sorry, I don’t mean to.  I’m just musing with the notion of time at the moment.   

If you have been following this blog, you know that I’ve just experienced the one-year mark of the passing of my beloved husband, Len.   One Year.   How long is one year?   It’s 360 days.   It’s 8,640 hours. It’s 518,400 seconds.   It’s one anniversary.  It’s two birthdays (mine and his).  It’s one Valentine’s Day.   It’s one Easter.   It’s one Memorial Day.   It’s one 4th of July.  It’s one Labor Day.   It’s Thanksgiving.  It’s one Christmas.   I could go on and on but I’ll spare both me and you the redundancy.   

ONE YEAR. It’s a long time.   It’s a short time.    

Less than a week ago I wrote about how I had chosen to look at the approach of the ONE year anniversary of my husband’s “going home”.   I was strong, I was positive, I was faith-filled, I was celebratory.    THEN …. in just ONE phone call, my strength, my positive attitude crumbled.   

During the afternoon of March 7 I found out that our daughter’s mother-in-law had passed after a long battle with breast cancer.    I had been praying that she would NOT pass on March 7 … to please spare my sweet Kally the pain of having another death on the same day as her precious father passed.   My prayers were not answered.   I know there is a reason both of these parents were taken on the same day, one year apart.  I have no idea of God’s plan for this, but I totally accept there is a reason and a purpose to it.

One Year. A long time?   A short time?   It’s both long AND short.  As the old saying goes …. wow, a year?  Seems like only yesterday and at the same time it seems like forever.   How true.  How true.

One Year Later. I thought I would be stronger.   Unfortunately, I found out that I am NOT as strong as I thought I was, hoped I was, or wished I were.   When I heard the news of Nathan’s Mom passing, all I wanted to do was get to Charleston to be with Kally and Nathan.   To be there to help them, to show my support and my respect for their family.   I started making all of the arrangements.   Then, once the arrangement were made, I froze!   I can hardly explain it --- I became overwhelmed with anxiety, fear, uncertainty.   A vice grip of stress and anxiety took over my body and my brain.   I became frozen in an unexplained fear … the fear that i had endured for the months right after Len’s passing.   

HOW COULD THIS BE HAPPENING?????   It’s been a year!!!!  Get over it, girl!!!!   I spent the next 12 hours trying to referee a raging fight between my gut and my brain.   My gut brain said “get it together; you have to be there; Kally needs you there; you should be able to do this; stop being such a wuss”.  My gut, on the other hand, was yelling at me to stop, to stay still, to not go.   Back and forth and back and forth the battle went on for hours.    

My support circle of friends told me to listen to my gut --- to take care of myself first.   Now, if you’re a woman, you know how hard it is to do that.   If you’re like me, my first reaction is always to meet the needs of my family.   Taking care of “me” is one of the fine arts I’ve been cultivating over the last dozen years or so.   I heard my friends …. I knew they were right …. I listened to my gut --- which I believe is my soul --- and knew it would be okay for me to take care of me.   I regret the need to do so … I wish I had endless energy and strength and fortitude …. but I don’t.   Sometimes there just aren’t a pair of big girl panties big enough to handle the situation.   

What have I gleaned from this?   GRACE.   Beautiful, sweet, gorgeous GRACE!   Grace is an amazing thing -- it comes in more colors than the rainbow.   Just when I think I’ve seen and felt every type of Grace that God provides, I am amazed (but now surprised) at finding another variety of Grace.     

Grace to be present in the moment.   Whatever that moment is ----- it is our moment; our reality; our condition … and God pours his Grace all over us when we are willing to be still and listen to his still, small voice telling us to stop....to trust...to respect.    

Thank you, my amazing God, for your Grace and your guidance.   All Things Are Possible Through You …. not me!