From Roller Coaster to Ferris Wheel

Just when I thought I was "clicking right along" ... guess what?   One of those ole walls I keep running into jumped out and got me again!  DANG!

Since the New Year I have been:   Happy, Focused, Excited, Involved, Feeling Purposeful, Joyful.   In other words, since the New Year I haven't been crying my eyes out.   I was really excited about that since I had spent the better part of CHRISTmas week and New Year's Eve being weepy at the least, and sobbing at the worst.  

So, what turned my world around today?   You're all going to laugh and nod your head in understanding.   I spent time in my husband's basement (known as the "man cave" in today's lingo).  YUP.   I went into the basement to start weeding through some things.   YUP.   The first hour was pretty easy -- lots of obvious, easy, impersonal things to sort and toss.   And YUP, OUCH, GROAN .... all of a sudden I'm coming across things I wasn't ready to see.  CHRISTmas cards Len had picked out for the children and me that were never given, the last anniversary card I sent to him, endless pads with his writing on them.

GULP!!!  In a matter of minutes I went from "singing as I work" to "crying in my beer".   At first, as I came across each of these objects, I would wince, tear up a bit, but kiss the object and tell Len how much I love him.   However, as the number of "things" I came across grew, they accumulated a weight that amazed me.  I could not keep my perspective.   I could not have just a little boo hoo and move on.   NO!   I was MAD.   I was SAD.   I was ANGRY.  I was HURT.   I felt ALONE.  I was sobbing (again).

I am beginning to equate various stages of grief to amusement park rides.  For a long time my grief felt like being on a roller coaster.  For me that meant:  being scared, being terrified, holding on for dear life, feeling like I was going to throw up, and defintely feeling quite sure I may die.  

Now, 10 months later, my grief is feeling like a ferris wheel ride. Hmmm, she says.   Recently my grief has been a gentler, kinder ride than that ole roller coaster I was on!   The ferris wheel allows me to enjoy the view.  It moves much slower than that ole roller coaster, which means I don't have to hold on for dear life.   In fact, the ferris can be quite pleasant at times.   The ONLY time it gets a little rocky for me is when I'm up at the top of the wheel, the operator stops the wheel to let someone on or off, and the wind starts to pick up.   Then, oh yes, I start to get scared.   I STOP enjoying the ride and the view and am overtaken by my sadness, my fear, my aloneness.

The good news is .... the ferris wheel starts up again .... and because it moves nice and slow and I don't need to hang on for dear life, I can breathe, I can keep my eyes open, and I can see the beauty of the world and my life while the wheel slowly and gently brings me back to earth and the present.   

Thank you, sweet Lord, for your grace and the comfort your grace brings to us in our time of sadness, fear, and feelings of lonliness.  Grief is a long, hard journey with many seasons, many colors, and many phases.   But the one thing that is constant is God's love for us and his willingness to always be there for us and to continue to carry us and guide us out of the wilderness of grief into the warm light of his grace.