Saturday, March 10, 2012
Time
What is time? Well, according to dictionary.com, TIME is:
1. the system of those sequential relations that any event has to any other, as past, present, or future; indefinite and continuous duration regarded as that in which events succeed one another.
2. duration regarded as belonging to the present life as distinct from the life to come or from eternity; finite duration.
3. (sometimes initial capital letter ) a system or method of measuring or reckoning the passage of time: mean time; apparent time; Greenwich Time.
4. a limited period or interval, as between two successive events: a long time.
5. a particular period considered as distinct from other periods: Youth is the best time of life.
Despite those definitions, I am finding that “time” is truly relative! “It’s been so long!.” That can mean it’s been 100 days or 1 day … depending on the speaker; depending on how MUCH the elapsed “time” dragged. “It’ll only take second.” So often spoken meaning not 1/60th of a minute, but just a “little” bit” of “time”.
Am I making you dizzy? Sorry, I don’t mean to. I’m just musing with the notion of time at the moment.
If you have been following this blog, you know that I’ve just experienced the one-year mark of the passing of my beloved husband, Len. One Year. How long is one year? It’s 360 days. It’s 8,640 hours. It’s 518,400 seconds. It’s one anniversary. It’s two birthdays (mine and his). It’s one Valentine’s Day. It’s one Easter. It’s one Memorial Day. It’s one 4th of July. It’s one Labor Day. It’s Thanksgiving. It’s one Christmas. I could go on and on but I’ll spare both me and you the redundancy.
ONE YEAR. It’s a long time. It’s a short time.
Less than a week ago I wrote about how I had chosen to look at the approach of the ONE year anniversary of my husband’s “going home”. I was strong, I was positive, I was faith-filled, I was celebratory. THEN …. in just ONE phone call, my strength, my positive attitude crumbled.
During the afternoon of March 7 I found out that our daughter’s mother-in-law had passed after a long battle with breast cancer. I had been praying that she would NOT pass on March 7 … to please spare my sweet Kally the pain of having another death on the same day as her precious father passed. My prayers were not answered. I know there is a reason both of these parents were taken on the same day, one year apart. I have no idea of God’s plan for this, but I totally accept there is a reason and a purpose to it.
One Year. A long time? A short time? It’s both long AND short. As the old saying goes …. wow, a year? Seems like only yesterday and at the same time it seems like forever. How true. How true.
One Year Later. I thought I would be stronger. Unfortunately, I found out that I am NOT as strong as I thought I was, hoped I was, or wished I were. When I heard the news of Nathan’s Mom passing, all I wanted to do was get to Charleston to be with Kally and Nathan. To be there to help them, to show my support and my respect for their family. I started making all of the arrangements. Then, once the arrangement were made, I froze! I can hardly explain it --- I became overwhelmed with anxiety, fear, uncertainty. A vice grip of stress and anxiety took over my body and my brain. I became frozen in an unexplained fear … the fear that i had endured for the months right after Len’s passing.
HOW COULD THIS BE HAPPENING????? It’s been a year!!!! Get over it, girl!!!! I spent the next 12 hours trying to referee a raging fight between my gut and my brain. My gut brain said “get it together; you have to be there; Kally needs you there; you should be able to do this; stop being such a wuss”. My gut, on the other hand, was yelling at me to stop, to stay still, to not go. Back and forth and back and forth the battle went on for hours.
My support circle of friends told me to listen to my gut --- to take care of myself first. Now, if you’re a woman, you know how hard it is to do that. If you’re like me, my first reaction is always to meet the needs of my family. Taking care of “me” is one of the fine arts I’ve been cultivating over the last dozen years or so. I heard my friends …. I knew they were right …. I listened to my gut --- which I believe is my soul --- and knew it would be okay for me to take care of me. I regret the need to do so … I wish I had endless energy and strength and fortitude …. but I don’t. Sometimes there just aren’t a pair of big girl panties big enough to handle the situation.
What have I gleaned from this? GRACE. Beautiful, sweet, gorgeous GRACE! Grace is an amazing thing -- it comes in more colors than the rainbow. Just when I think I’ve seen and felt every type of Grace that God provides, I am amazed (but now surprised) at finding another variety of Grace.
Grace to be present in the moment. Whatever that moment is ----- it is our moment; our reality; our condition … and God pours his Grace all over us when we are willing to be still and listen to his still, small voice telling us to stop....to trust...to respect.
Thank you, my amazing God, for your Grace and your guidance. All Things Are Possible Through You …. not me!
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Tick Tock, Tick Tock
A year ago tomorrow morning (March 7) my beloved husband’s brave battle with leukemia ended.
A year ago tonight I had no idea that tomorrow would be the last day I had him in my life.
A year ago our sweet children were all gathered around their precious father …. sharing memories; sharing their love; sharing their strength; sharing their good byes.
tick tock, tick tock
A year ago our precious two year old grandson climbed up on his Grampy’s bed and showered him with love.
tick tock, tick tock
A year ago I kissed my husband for the very last time …. I wiped his brow, I whispered encouraging words, I told him how much I loved him.
tick tock, tick tock
And then …. all of a sudden he was gone. He drew his last labored breath, smiled, and he was gone.
The clock stopped.
There was no sound.
Now, a year later, I continue to be amazed by the journey of grief. Grief is a rich, living, breathing entity. Grief is a gift that God gives us that enables us to cope with the losses we experience during our human journey.
Grief Numbs Us. At first, grief covers us with a numbness that protects us from absorbing the totality of our our beloved’s passing. We are in a fog, a daze. We move, we act, we interact, but it is all through the fog of grief. We come to find out too quickly that the numbness goes away way too soon.
Slowly, the numbness wears off and more and more of the reality of our loss creeps in. Sounds start to return …. senses start to reemerge …. life keeps knocking on our door even though we believe we’ve posted our “Do Not Disturb” sign.
tick tock
Slowly the clock starts back up. We have a sense of time again. Time to take care of the funeral. Time to take care of the family. Time to take care of the “business” of dying. Time to ...what????
tick tock, tick tock
Time to what????? What do I do with my time? What do I do with all this stuff? What do I do without him? What do I do with the rest of my life?
The clock seems to grow ever louder …. echoing around the empty house; the empty life. We feel the need to act, to do something, to solve the puzzle. But, we can’t. We simply can’t. No amount of action is going to “fix” things. No amount of decisions is going to “change” things. It is simply time to “be still” and let the blanket of grief cover our wounds and keep us warm while we heal, while we cry, while we slowly learn to accept the realities.
tick tock, tick tock
There is only time.
In time we learn to breath again. In time we learn to laugh again. In time we learn to accept our loss and to fully celebrate our loved one’s home-going. We NEVER stop missing them. We NEVER stop loving them. We NEVER stop wishing, to some degree, that they were still here with us.
Slowly and surely we come to truly accept that they have gone home to Jesus and their loved ones who went before them. The more time I’ve spend in this piece of reality; in knowing that Len IS with our Heavenly Father, the more peace-filled I have become. I KNOW that he is well, he is healed, he is strong, and he is happy beyond our ability to comprehend. Talk about a snuggly blanket of peace …. there is nothing like it. Slowly we get back about our lives -- we slowly recognize what things, activities, people make us happy, make us feel alive, make us feel as though we still have relevance. I think that may be the hardest part -- is finding our relevance --- at least it has been for me. After all, I didn’t ASK for this change … I just wanted my “old” life back!
“I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you.” John 14:18
God doesn’t abandon us in our darkest night. He is with us every second of our grief journey. He is there comforting us, protecting us, and when the time is right, encouraging us to open up to the next phase of his plan for us.
Here I stand …. one year later …. amazed (but not surprised) that my God has carried me when I couldn’t walk, led me when all I wanted to do was curl up under my bed, and now? Now he has been revealing to me what he needs from me! Amazing!
About a week ago I realized that I had a choice of how I approached and experienced this first anniversary. I had two choices: I could be miserable and sad and filled with darkness, or I could choose to celebrate my husband’s home-going and my faith in a God who is so merciful and loving. Needless to say, I have chosen to celebrate!
So, Happy Home-Going my precious husband. I know that you are basking in the presence of our Lord and that you are at peace. I miss you terribly, and look forward to the day when we will be together again for eternity. We are all fine, but you know that.
tick tock, tick tock
A year ago tonight I had no idea that tomorrow would be the last day I had him in my life.
tick tock, tick tock
A year ago our sweet children were all gathered around their precious father …. sharing memories; sharing their love; sharing their strength; sharing their good byes.
tick tock, tick tock
A year ago our precious two year old grandson climbed up on his Grampy’s bed and showered him with love.
tick tock, tick tock
A year ago I kissed my husband for the very last time …. I wiped his brow, I whispered encouraging words, I told him how much I loved him.
tick tock, tick tock
And then …. all of a sudden he was gone. He drew his last labored breath, smiled, and he was gone.
The clock stopped.
There was no sound.
The clock stopped.
There was no time; there was nothing but time.
The clock stopped.
There was emptiness.
Now, a year later, I continue to be amazed by the journey of grief. Grief is a rich, living, breathing entity. Grief is a gift that God gives us that enables us to cope with the losses we experience during our human journey.
Grief Numbs Us. At first, grief covers us with a numbness that protects us from absorbing the totality of our our beloved’s passing. We are in a fog, a daze. We move, we act, we interact, but it is all through the fog of grief. We come to find out too quickly that the numbness goes away way too soon.
Slowly, the numbness wears off and more and more of the reality of our loss creeps in. Sounds start to return …. senses start to reemerge …. life keeps knocking on our door even though we believe we’ve posted our “Do Not Disturb” sign.
tick tock
Slowly the clock starts back up. We have a sense of time again. Time to take care of the funeral. Time to take care of the family. Time to take care of the “business” of dying. Time to ...what????
tick tock, tick tock
Time to what????? What do I do with my time? What do I do with all this stuff? What do I do without him? What do I do with the rest of my life?
The clock seems to grow ever louder …. echoing around the empty house; the empty life. We feel the need to act, to do something, to solve the puzzle. But, we can’t. We simply can’t. No amount of action is going to “fix” things. No amount of decisions is going to “change” things. It is simply time to “be still” and let the blanket of grief cover our wounds and keep us warm while we heal, while we cry, while we slowly learn to accept the realities.
tick tock, tick tock
There is only time.
In time we learn to breath again. In time we learn to laugh again. In time we learn to accept our loss and to fully celebrate our loved one’s home-going. We NEVER stop missing them. We NEVER stop loving them. We NEVER stop wishing, to some degree, that they were still here with us.
Slowly and surely we come to truly accept that they have gone home to Jesus and their loved ones who went before them. The more time I’ve spend in this piece of reality; in knowing that Len IS with our Heavenly Father, the more peace-filled I have become. I KNOW that he is well, he is healed, he is strong, and he is happy beyond our ability to comprehend. Talk about a snuggly blanket of peace …. there is nothing like it. Slowly we get back about our lives -- we slowly recognize what things, activities, people make us happy, make us feel alive, make us feel as though we still have relevance. I think that may be the hardest part -- is finding our relevance --- at least it has been for me. After all, I didn’t ASK for this change … I just wanted my “old” life back!
“I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you.” John 14:18
God doesn’t abandon us in our darkest night. He is with us every second of our grief journey. He is there comforting us, protecting us, and when the time is right, encouraging us to open up to the next phase of his plan for us.
What a concept! What an awareness! We DIDN’T die with our loved one, we are still here which means that our God is NOT done with us yet. He has a plan for us … a plan that is better than we can imagine.
Here I stand …. one year later …. amazed (but not surprised) that my God has carried me when I couldn’t walk, led me when all I wanted to do was curl up under my bed, and now? Now he has been revealing to me what he needs from me! Amazing!
About a week ago I realized that I had a choice of how I approached and experienced this first anniversary. I had two choices: I could be miserable and sad and filled with darkness, or I could choose to celebrate my husband’s home-going and my faith in a God who is so merciful and loving. Needless to say, I have chosen to celebrate!
So, Happy Home-Going my precious husband. I know that you are basking in the presence of our Lord and that you are at peace. I miss you terribly, and look forward to the day when we will be together again for eternity. We are all fine, but you know that.
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
It's Valentine's Day
I have been wondering what this day would be like. Another of the seemingly endless “firsts”. It’s now early evening and I’ve got to say, this was not a bad, or even a rough day.
I missed all these things today. But I miss these things every day. Valentine’s Day, to me, is a day set aside for openly expressing and demonstrating your love for those near and dear to you. It’s a day of love and, of course, chocolates.
I tend to be pretty outgoing with my hugs and telling people I love them. On Valentine’s Day I take the liberty of spreading my love around even more! I wished everyone I ran into a happy Valentine’s Day …. Sandy at the Post Office, a sweet young girl at Ingles, the cranky guy at the dump -- they all got and gave big ole Valentine’s Day smiles!
What a lovely day.....it’s almost like Christmas --- everyone is more than willing to outwardly express love on February 14th --- too bad we can’t do that every day. What a much more pleasant world this would be!
So, of all the “firsts” I’ve been experiencing, Valentine’s Day is one of the easiest so far. I’ll take it!
I received this Valentine from my grace sister, Sharon …. and I just have to pass it along.
HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY, My Friends!
Did I think about my sweetheart.
Most definitely.
Did I miss wishing him a happy Valentine’s Day first thing this morning.
Sure did.
Did I miss getting the sweet “For My Wife” valentine’s card that he would have picked out especially for me?
Oh, most definitely.
Did I miss his huge smile when he saw the hand-made Valentine’s Card I made for “my husband”.
But must definitely.
Did I miss MAKING a Valentine’s Day card filled with my love and thanks.
Oh, yes, most definitely.
Did I miss having our traditional, quiet dinner at Pixie & Bills?
Oh, yes, definitely.
Did I miss his hugs and kisses.
Oh, without a doubt, definitely.
I missed all these things today. But I miss these things every day. Valentine’s Day, to me, is a day set aside for openly expressing and demonstrating your love for those near and dear to you. It’s a day of love and, of course, chocolates.
I tend to be pretty outgoing with my hugs and telling people I love them. On Valentine’s Day I take the liberty of spreading my love around even more! I wished everyone I ran into a happy Valentine’s Day …. Sandy at the Post Office, a sweet young girl at Ingles, the cranky guy at the dump -- they all got and gave big ole Valentine’s Day smiles!
What a lovely day.....it’s almost like Christmas --- everyone is more than willing to outwardly express love on February 14th --- too bad we can’t do that every day. What a much more pleasant world this would be!
So, of all the “firsts” I’ve been experiencing, Valentine’s Day is one of the easiest so far. I’ll take it!
I received this Valentine from my grace sister, Sharon …. and I just have to pass it along.
For He chose us in Him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in His sight. In love He predestined us for adoption to sonship through Jesus Christ, in accordance with His pleasure and will. Ephesians 1:4
We are so, so loved!
HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY, My Friends!
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
God Uses Change To Change Us
What an interesting thought -- God uses change to change us. Now, why didn't I think of that before? It seems to make perfect sense, now.
In my youth I LOVED change! I was restless, unsatisfied, curious, searching --- you name it, I was looking for "something" and change was the ticket I chose. New places to live, new jobs, new people .... the more change (from where I had come) the better! At this point in my life, however, change is painful. Especially change I didn't ask for.
WHY? Why did my life have to change JUST when I thought it was PERFECT???? Why do I have to figure out what I'm supposed to be doing when I FOUND just what I wanted to be? Why do I have to figure out who and what I am when I was HAPPY with who and what I had become?
Oh yes, these are the questions we ask when life deals us a change we didn't ask for. I laugh as I write that sentence as it now occurs to me how silly the sentence is. Oh, you silly girl, WE don't control what happens. We don't hold the master plan of our lives. We are not in charge of the journey .... God is.
I have been on this journey of change for 11 months now. As I continue down this path I am constantly amazed at the blessings that my Lord pours on me. I know they are blessings I would not have received without going through this pain, this loss, this grief ... yes, this change.
Last Saturday was the Grace In The Wilderness Valentine's Tea for Widows. During her talk, Mary Beth Oxendine played a song I had never heard before and it validated everything I had been feeling and experiencing this last few weeks. The song is called Blessings and it poses the question .... what if God's mercies come in disguise? My answer to that question is a resounding YES! God's mercies do come to us in disguise!
Blessings (Laura Story)
In my youth I LOVED change! I was restless, unsatisfied, curious, searching --- you name it, I was looking for "something" and change was the ticket I chose. New places to live, new jobs, new people .... the more change (from where I had come) the better! At this point in my life, however, change is painful. Especially change I didn't ask for.
WHY? Why did my life have to change JUST when I thought it was PERFECT???? Why do I have to figure out what I'm supposed to be doing when I FOUND just what I wanted to be? Why do I have to figure out who and what I am when I was HAPPY with who and what I had become?
Oh yes, these are the questions we ask when life deals us a change we didn't ask for. I laugh as I write that sentence as it now occurs to me how silly the sentence is. Oh, you silly girl, WE don't control what happens. We don't hold the master plan of our lives. We are not in charge of the journey .... God is.
I have been on this journey of change for 11 months now. As I continue down this path I am constantly amazed at the blessings that my Lord pours on me. I know they are blessings I would not have received without going through this pain, this loss, this grief ... yes, this change.
Last Saturday was the Grace In The Wilderness Valentine's Tea for Widows. During her talk, Mary Beth Oxendine played a song I had never heard before and it validated everything I had been feeling and experiencing this last few weeks. The song is called Blessings and it poses the question .... what if God's mercies come in disguise? My answer to that question is a resounding YES! God's mercies do come to us in disguise!
Blessings (Laura Story)
We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things
'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise
We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe
'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise
When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home
It's not our home
'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise?
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things
'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise
We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe
'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise
When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home
It's not our home
'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise?
Friday, January 13, 2012
The Broken Road
It is true that sometimes the path that God lays out for us is a broken road … rutted, full of pot holes, and very dangerous to our high heels and our ankles.
Like you, I’ve been on my share of broken roads. Today I’m thinking about a very specific broken road and the faith required to keep going down this rocky, uncomfortable path.
Have you ever heard the song, "Bless The Broken Road" by Rascal Flats? (Yes, others have recorded it, but I’m only familiar with this one).
Like the writer of this song, I spent way too much of my life walking down a path that was filled with disappointment, shattered dreams, and false loves. Then one day, God blessed me by putting my husband-to-be at the end of that old broken road.
Like you, I’ve been on my share of broken roads. Today I’m thinking about a very specific broken road and the faith required to keep going down this rocky, uncomfortable path.
Have you ever heard the song, "Bless The Broken Road" by Rascal Flats? (Yes, others have recorded it, but I’m only familiar with this one).
I set out on a narrow way, many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you
Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart, they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you
I think about the years I spent, just passing through
I'd like to have the time I lost, and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You've been there, you understand
It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true
Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart, they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you
Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart, they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you
I think about the years I spent, just passing through
I'd like to have the time I lost, and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You've been there, you understand
It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true
Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart, they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you
You know that old saying ... so-and-so looks like tens miles of dirt road? Well, I know how I looked after years and countless miles on that ole' broken road. I looked tired. I looked skeptical. I looked like I had given up hope. And I had.
But, there stood this man. This man who was like unlike any other man I had met or known. A man that spoke to my heart without saying a single word. A man that spoke by is actions and his deeds.
Every word of this song resonates in my heart. The song became my anthem; it was the song I sang to my husband at our wedding; it’s the song that breaks my heart every time I hear it.
Why? I thought my broken road had ended. I thought that having met my true love that my path would be smooth, well marked, and unobstructed. Well, guess what? It wasn’t. Ten months ago my husband passed away … he had been diagnosed with ALL Leukemia and ten months later Jesus called him home.
Why? I thought my broken road had ended. I thought that having met my true love that my path would be smooth, well marked, and unobstructed. Well, guess what? It wasn’t. Ten months ago my husband passed away … he had been diagnosed with ALL Leukemia and ten months later Jesus called him home.
Now … now I’m back on a broken road. I hear this song and I think of my sweet husband and what his love meant to me. I hear the song and I know that what the road is now leading me to is a closer relationship with my God. I’m walking in Faith, I’m walking with Grace … I’m walking forward knowing that ALWAYS and in ALL WAYS, God has a plan for me and it is mighty!
The last time I heard this song was at the end of our Sunday School study of the psalms of ascent. At the end of the series, Beth Moore (the author of the study) played this song for her daughter. Hearing it, I broke down into a river of tears and was silently comforted by one of my Grace Sisters. For days that song, it's original meaning, and my loss, were all that I could feel. Then, as I looked around, I realized that so many of my sisters are on the same road.
Today, I hear this song and think of my sisters ... we are all struggling with something -- a broken heart, a broken body, a broken home, a broken promise. But, the beauty is that we are all putting one foot in front of the next, being propelled by our faith, and knowing in our hearts and souls that God's love and guidance will keep us safe on this journey. God put us on this broken road and it is our job to walk the road and discover what God has designed for us ... what gifts await us at the end of the road.
Faith is what got me through my husband's illness and his death. Faith is what has kept me from crawling under the blankets and never coming out. Faith is what has sustained me. Faith is what continues to grow inside of me.
The gifts that God has given me throughout this journey are nothing short of AMAZING! Yes, Amazing, Amazing Grace! It's the stuff that fills in the potholes on those broken roads we sometimes have to walk.
Faith is what got me through my husband's illness and his death. Faith is what has kept me from crawling under the blankets and never coming out. Faith is what has sustained me. Faith is what continues to grow inside of me.
The gifts that God has given me throughout this journey are nothing short of AMAZING! Yes, Amazing, Amazing Grace! It's the stuff that fills in the potholes on those broken roads we sometimes have to walk.
Friday, January 6, 2012
From Roller Coaster to Ferris Wheel
Just when I thought I was "clicking right along" ... guess what? One of those ole walls I keep running into jumped out and got me again! DANG!
Since the New Year I have been: Happy, Focused, Excited, Involved, Feeling Purposeful, Joyful. In other words, since the New Year I haven't been crying my eyes out. I was really excited about that since I had spent the better part of CHRISTmas week and New Year's Eve being weepy at the least, and sobbing at the worst.
So, what turned my world around today? You're all going to laugh and nod your head in understanding. I spent time in my husband's basement (known as the "man cave" in today's lingo). YUP. I went into the basement to start weeding through some things. YUP. The first hour was pretty easy -- lots of obvious, easy, impersonal things to sort and toss. And YUP, OUCH, GROAN .... all of a sudden I'm coming across things I wasn't ready to see. CHRISTmas cards Len had picked out for the children and me that were never given, the last anniversary card I sent to him, endless pads with his writing on them.
GULP!!! In a matter of minutes I went from "singing as I work" to "crying in my beer". At first, as I came across each of these objects, I would wince, tear up a bit, but kiss the object and tell Len how much I love him. However, as the number of "things" I came across grew, they accumulated a weight that amazed me. I could not keep my perspective. I could not have just a little boo hoo and move on. NO! I was MAD. I was SAD. I was ANGRY. I was HURT. I felt ALONE. I was sobbing (again).
I am beginning to equate various stages of grief to amusement park rides. For a long time my grief felt like being on a roller coaster. For me that meant: being scared, being terrified, holding on for dear life, feeling like I was going to throw up, and defintely feeling quite sure I may die.
Now, 10 months later, my grief is feeling like a ferris wheel ride. Hmmm, she says. Recently my grief has been a gentler, kinder ride than that ole roller coaster I was on! The ferris wheel allows me to enjoy the view. It moves much slower than that ole roller coaster, which means I don't have to hold on for dear life. In fact, the ferris can be quite pleasant at times. The ONLY time it gets a little rocky for me is when I'm up at the top of the wheel, the operator stops the wheel to let someone on or off, and the wind starts to pick up. Then, oh yes, I start to get scared. I STOP enjoying the ride and the view and am overtaken by my sadness, my fear, my aloneness.
The good news is .... the ferris wheel starts up again .... and because it moves nice and slow and I don't need to hang on for dear life, I can breathe, I can keep my eyes open, and I can see the beauty of the world and my life while the wheel slowly and gently brings me back to earth and the present.
Thank you, sweet Lord, for your grace and the comfort your grace brings to us in our time of sadness, fear, and feelings of lonliness. Grief is a long, hard journey with many seasons, many colors, and many phases. But the one thing that is constant is God's love for us and his willingness to always be there for us and to continue to carry us and guide us out of the wilderness of grief into the warm light of his grace.
Since the New Year I have been: Happy, Focused, Excited, Involved, Feeling Purposeful, Joyful. In other words, since the New Year I haven't been crying my eyes out. I was really excited about that since I had spent the better part of CHRISTmas week and New Year's Eve being weepy at the least, and sobbing at the worst.
So, what turned my world around today? You're all going to laugh and nod your head in understanding. I spent time in my husband's basement (known as the "man cave" in today's lingo). YUP. I went into the basement to start weeding through some things. YUP. The first hour was pretty easy -- lots of obvious, easy, impersonal things to sort and toss. And YUP, OUCH, GROAN .... all of a sudden I'm coming across things I wasn't ready to see. CHRISTmas cards Len had picked out for the children and me that were never given, the last anniversary card I sent to him, endless pads with his writing on them.
GULP!!! In a matter of minutes I went from "singing as I work" to "crying in my beer". At first, as I came across each of these objects, I would wince, tear up a bit, but kiss the object and tell Len how much I love him. However, as the number of "things" I came across grew, they accumulated a weight that amazed me. I could not keep my perspective. I could not have just a little boo hoo and move on. NO! I was MAD. I was SAD. I was ANGRY. I was HURT. I felt ALONE. I was sobbing (again).
I am beginning to equate various stages of grief to amusement park rides. For a long time my grief felt like being on a roller coaster. For me that meant: being scared, being terrified, holding on for dear life, feeling like I was going to throw up, and defintely feeling quite sure I may die.
Now, 10 months later, my grief is feeling like a ferris wheel ride. Hmmm, she says. Recently my grief has been a gentler, kinder ride than that ole roller coaster I was on! The ferris wheel allows me to enjoy the view. It moves much slower than that ole roller coaster, which means I don't have to hold on for dear life. In fact, the ferris can be quite pleasant at times. The ONLY time it gets a little rocky for me is when I'm up at the top of the wheel, the operator stops the wheel to let someone on or off, and the wind starts to pick up. Then, oh yes, I start to get scared. I STOP enjoying the ride and the view and am overtaken by my sadness, my fear, my aloneness.
The good news is .... the ferris wheel starts up again .... and because it moves nice and slow and I don't need to hang on for dear life, I can breathe, I can keep my eyes open, and I can see the beauty of the world and my life while the wheel slowly and gently brings me back to earth and the present.
Thank you, sweet Lord, for your grace and the comfort your grace brings to us in our time of sadness, fear, and feelings of lonliness. Grief is a long, hard journey with many seasons, many colors, and many phases. But the one thing that is constant is God's love for us and his willingness to always be there for us and to continue to carry us and guide us out of the wilderness of grief into the warm light of his grace.
Saturday, December 31, 2011
New Year's Eve 2011
New Year’s Eve 2011
This is the 62nd New Year’s Eve of my life. But it is unlike any other New Year’s Eve I’ve ever had, ever dreamed of, ever imagined.
Like all other New Year’s Eves that I can remember – I’m looking backward and forward at the very same time. I’m looking back on the current year, gleaning what lessons I can, and at the same time, looking forward to a new year with new possibilities, new chances, new starts.
Boy, I remember some New Year’s Eves and counting down the hours until the current year was FINALLY OVER! We’ve all had those years. Years that were just so hard; so filled with challenges, disappointments, and sadness that we just can’t wait to kiss it good-bye.
This is not one of those years. I thought it might be, but as the evening progresses and my thoughts start to gel, I realize this is the strangest, most bittersweet New Year’s Eve I’ve ever experienced. Lord knows that this last year has been filled with some of the greatest challenges, the deepest valleys, and the greatest sadness I have ever experienced. But in no way am I sitting here waiting to kiss it good-bye – to kiss it off.
I am coming up on my 10th month of firsts -- my first anniversary; my first birthday; my first Easter; his first birthday. And the biggest firsts of them all - Christmas. Now, I’m having my first New Year’s Eve, my first New Year’s Day, and dear Lord help me, my first New Year without him.
The first year after the loss of your love is comprised of 365 firsts! Yes, we think about the biggies … as listed above. But, the reality is that there are 365 firsts, as each day is the first you have without him/her.
Christmas was rougher, harder, sadder, sorer than I had imagined. Yes, I expected that it would be tough, but as they say, until you’ve been there you have no idea. However, like all the days that had preceded it, I got through Christmas and was relieved and lighter when it was over.
Now, that’s not to say that I did not embrace Christmas, because I did. Much to my friend’s amazement, I put up a Christmas tree (albeit, a small one and who needs ornaments anyway), strung some lights in front of the house (just ‘cause I’m sad no need to cheat my neighbors), and even sent out Christmas cards. In fact, until the last few days before Christmas, I was really enjoying Christmas in the purest sense. I was focused on the three M’s of Christmas, not the 3 P’s.
The 3 M’s of Christmas are the Miracle (of the virgin birth and God coming to earth as man), the Message (unto us a Child was born who would give his life to save ours), and the Majesty (The son of God, the King of Kings). It is probably the first time in my life that I’ve been so focused on and in touch with the true significance of Christmas and I was filled with peace and joy. Oh … you are probably wondering what the 3 P’s are. They are the typical focus of Christmas … Picking (picking the right gift for each person), Packaging (wrapping each gift with love trying to make it special), and Preparing (the house, the food, the decorations, and on and on and on).
No, this Christmas I was much more focused on the 3 M’s and the peace it brought me was beyond my comprehension. What about the picking, the packing, the preparing? Well, they just kinda took care of themselves.
However, slowly but surely, the human condition of grief crept back in and the peace of the 3 M’s had to fight to stay in my consciousness. Tears, sleeplessness, the hole in my heart all fought for center stage. Thank God for our children and grandchild – being together on this “first” Christmas let us spread the grief and the support. Amid the profound sadness of Len not being with us, was the strength, the love, and the tenacity of the clan. We got through the day. We laughed, we cried, we told stories, and we hugged a lot.
Now it’s New Year’s Eve. I’m here by myself and I can so easily weep. I think of all the New Year’s Eves we shared. The fireworks on the front yard for the kids, the quiet dinners at Pixie & Bill’s, the good night kiss and a promise to see each other next year. I miss my husband. I miss my friend. I miss my partner in life.
I can’t imagine having a full life again, but I know I will. I can’t imagine every day not being a “first”, but I know in time it will. My life will go on. My life will continue to grow and expand in ways I know that I cannot even imagine. My God has a plan for me and I have no idea what it is, but I do know some things for sure.
God’s plan for me is:
- Divine
- Leading me to my highest good.
- Allowing me to use the gifts He has given to me in His service.
- To help others who are struggling.
- To bring me fulfillment and happiness.
- To reunite me with my beloved in our Heavenly home.
- Safe and secure.
“Look, I have set before you an open door, which no one is able to shut.”
Rev 3:8
Ah, what an inspirational way to look at this approaching new year! I can do this! Yes, oh yes, there is a sadness that I hold on to this last night of 2011 – a sadness that is tender and sweet and will forever be mine. And, as I look past this evening to tomorrow, to the first day of 2012, I do so with hope in what awaits me, faith that God has finally gotten my attention and that he will fully use me, and with excitement for what the future holds.
Ambivalence. Oh yes. The process of grief and healing is the true definition of ambivalence. We are sad and we are expectant. We are sad and we are hopeful. We are sad and we are glad. We are living. We are growing. We are healing. And that’s as it should be.
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