God Uses Change To Change Us

What an interesting thought -- God uses change to change us.   Now, why didn't I think of that before?   It seems to make perfect sense, now.


In my youth I LOVED change!   I was restless, unsatisfied, curious, searching --- you name it, I was looking for "something" and change was the ticket I chose.  New places to live, new jobs, new people .... the more change (from where I had come) the better!  At this point in my life, however, change is painful.   Especially change I didn't ask for.   


WHY?   Why did my life have to change JUST when I thought it was PERFECT????   Why do I have to figure out what I'm supposed to be doing when I FOUND just what I wanted to be?   Why do I have to figure out who and what I am when I was HAPPY with who and what I had become?


Oh yes, these are the questions we ask when life deals us a change we didn't ask for.   I laugh as I write that sentence as it now occurs to me how silly the sentence is.   Oh, you silly girl, WE don't control what happens.   We don't hold the master plan of our lives.   We are not in charge of the journey .... God is.


I have been on this journey of change for 11 months now.   As I continue down this path I am constantly amazed at the blessings that my Lord pours on me.   I know they are blessings I would not have received without going through this pain, this loss, this grief ... yes, this change.   


Last Saturday was the Grace In The Wilderness Valentine's Tea for Widows.  During her talk, Mary Beth Oxendine played a song I had never heard before and it validated everything I had been feeling and experiencing this last few weeks.   The song is called Blessings and it poses the question .... what if God's mercies come in disguise?    My answer to that question is a resounding YES!   God's mercies do come to us in disguise!


Blessings (Laura Story)

We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home
It's not our home

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise?

The Broken Road

It is true that sometimes the path that God lays out for us is a broken road … rutted, full of pot holes, and very dangerous to our high heels and our ankles.   

Like you, I’ve been on my share of broken roads.  Today I’m thinking about a very specific broken road and the faith required to keep going down this rocky, uncomfortable path.

Have you ever heard the song, "Bless The Broken Road" by Rascal Flats?   (Yes, others have recorded it, but I’m only familiar with this one).

I set out on a narrow way, many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you

Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart, they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true

That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

I think about the years I spent, just passing through
I'd like to have the time I lost, and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You've been there, you understand
It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true

Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart, they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true

That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

Like the writer of this song, I spent way too much of my life walking down a path that was filled with disappointment, shattered dreams, and false loves.   Then one day, God blessed me by putting my husband-to-be at the end of that old broken road.  

You know that old saying ... so-and-so looks like tens miles of dirt road? Well, I know how I looked after years and countless miles on that ole' broken road. I looked tired. I looked skeptical. I looked like I had given up hope. And I had.  

But, there stood this man. This man who was like unlike any other man I had met or known. A man that spoke to my heart without saying a single word. A man that spoke by is actions and his deeds.

Every word of this song resonates in my heart.  The song became my anthem; it was the song I sang to my husband at our wedding; it’s the song that breaks my heart every time I hear it.

Why?   I thought my broken road had ended.   I thought that having met my true love that my path would be smooth, well marked, and unobstructed.   Well, guess what?   It wasn’t.    Ten months ago my husband passed away … he had been diagnosed with ALL Leukemia and ten months later Jesus called him home.   

Now … now I’m back on a broken road.   I hear this song and I think of my sweet husband and what his love meant to me.   I hear the song and I know that what the road is now leading me to is a closer relationship with my God.   I’m walking in Faith, I’m walking with Grace … I’m walking forward knowing that ALWAYS and in ALL WAYS, God has a plan for me and it is mighty!

The last time I heard this song was at the end of our Sunday School study of the psalms of ascent. At the end of the series, Beth Moore (the author of the study) played this song for her daughter. Hearing it, I broke down into a river of tears and was silently comforted by one of my Grace Sisters. For days that song, it's original meaning, and my loss, were all that I could feel. Then, as I looked around, I realized that so many of my sisters are on the same road.

Today, I hear this song and think of my sisters ... we are all struggling with something -- a broken heart, a broken body, a broken home, a broken promise. But, the beauty is that we are all putting one foot in front of the next, being propelled by our faith, and knowing in our hearts and souls that God's love and guidance will keep us safe on this journey. God put us on this broken road and it is our job to walk the road and discover what God has designed for us ... what gifts await us at the end of the road.
Faith is what got me through my husband's illness and his death. Faith is what has kept me from crawling under the blankets and never coming out. Faith is what has sustained me. Faith is what continues to grow inside of me.
The gifts that God has given me throughout this journey are nothing short of AMAZING! Yes, Amazing, Amazing Grace! It's the stuff that fills in the potholes on those broken roads we sometimes have to walk.

New Year's Eve 2011

New Year’s Eve 2011

This is the 62^nd New Year’s Eve of my life.   But it is unlike any other New Year’s Eve I’ve ever had, ever dreamed of, ever imagined.

Like all other New Year’s Eves that I can remember – I’m looking backward and forward at the very same time.   I’m looking back on the current year, gleaning what lessons I can, and at the same time, looking forward to a new year with new possibilities, new chances, new starts.  

Boy, I remember some New Year’s Eves and counting down the hours until the current year was FINALLY OVER!   We’ve all had those years.  Years that were just so hard; so filled with challenges, disappointments, and sadness that we just can’t wait to kiss it good-bye.  

This is not one of those years.  I thought it might be, but as the evening progresses and my thoughts start to gel, I realize this is the strangest, most bittersweet New Year’s Eve I’ve ever experienced.   Lord knows that this last year has been filled with some of the greatest challenges, the deepest valleys, and the greatest sadness I have ever experienced.   But in no way am I sitting here waiting to kiss it good-bye – to kiss it off.

I am coming up on my 10^th month of firsts -- my first anniversary; my first birthday; my first Easter; his first birthday.   And the biggest firsts of them all - Christmas.  Now, I’m having my first New Year’s Eve, my first New Year’s Day, and dear Lord help me, my first New Year without him.  

The first year after the loss of your love is comprised of 365 firsts!   Yes, we think about the biggies … as listed above.   But, the reality is that there are 365 firsts, as each day is the first you have without him/her.

Christmas was rougher, harder, sadder, sorer than I had imagined.  Yes, I expected that it would be tough, but as they say, until you’ve been there you have no idea.  However, like all the days that had preceded it, I got through Christmas and was relieved and lighter when it was over.  

Now, that’s not to say that I did not embrace Christmas, because I did.   Much to my friend’s amazement, I put up a Christmas tree (albeit, a small one and who needs ornaments anyway), strung some lights in front of the house (just ‘cause I’m sad no need to cheat my neighbors), and even sent out Christmas cards.   In fact, until the last few days before Christmas, I was really enjoying Christmas in the purest sense.  I was focused on the three M’s of Christmas, not the 3 P’s. 

The 3 M’s of Christmas are the Miracle (of the virgin birth and God coming to earth as man), the Message (unto us a Child was born who would give his life to save ours), and the Majesty (The son of God, the King of Kings).   It is probably the first time in my life that I’ve been so focused on and in touch with the true significance of Christmas and I was filled with peace and joy.   Oh … you are probably wondering what the 3 P’s are.   They are the typical focus of Christmas … Picking (picking the right gift for each person), Packaging (wrapping each gift with love trying to make it special), and Preparing (the house, the food, the decorations, and on and on and on).

No, this Christmas I was much more focused on the 3 M’s and the peace it brought me was beyond my comprehension.   What about the picking, the packing, the preparing?  Well, they just kinda took care of themselves.

However, slowly but surely, the human condition of grief crept back in and the peace of the 3 M’s had to fight to stay in my consciousness.   Tears, sleeplessness, the hole in my heart all fought for center stage.   Thank God for our children and grandchild – being together on this “first” Christmas let us spread the grief and the support.   Amid the profound sadness of Len not being with us, was the strength, the love, and the tenacity of the clan.   We got through the day.   We laughed, we cried, we told stories, and we hugged a lot.

Now it’s New Year’s Eve.   I’m here by myself and I can so easily weep.   I think of all the New Year’s Eves we shared.   The fireworks on the front yard for the kids, the quiet dinners at Pixie & Bill’s, the good night kiss and a promise to see each other next year.   I miss my husband.   I miss my friend.   I miss my partner in life.

I can’t imagine having a full life again, but I know I will.   I can’t imagine every day not being a “first”, but I know in time it will.   My life will go on.   My life will continue to grow and expand in ways I know that I cannot even imagine.   My God has a plan for me and I have no idea what it is, but I do know some things for sure.  

God’s plan for me is:

-         Divine

-         Leading me to my highest good.

-         Allowing me to use the gifts He has given to me in His service.

-         To help others who are struggling.

-         To bring me fulfillment and happiness.

-         To reunite me with my beloved in our Heavenly home.

-         Safe and secure.

“Look, I have set before you an open door, which no one is able to shut.”

 Rev 3:8

Ah, what an inspirational way to look at this approaching new year!   I can do this!  Yes, oh yes, there is a sadness that I hold on to this last night of 2011 – a sadness that is tender and sweet and will forever be mine.   And, as I look past this evening to tomorrow, to the first day of 2012, I do so with hope in what awaits me, faith that God has finally gotten my attention and that he will fully use me, and with excitement for what the future holds.  

Ambivalence.   Oh yes.   The process of grief and healing is the true definition of ambivalence.   We are sad and we are expectant.   We are sad and we are hopeful.   We are sad and we are glad.   We are living.   We are growing.  We are healing.   And that’s as it should be.

Happy New Year!