In Search Of Stillness

Published in Grace In the Wilderness Newsletter (wildernessgrace.org)

“Be still and know that I am God" 

Psalm 46:10

I came to the ocean seeking stillness.   I came to the ocean in hopes of becoming still enough to hear God.   I needed God to speak to me.   I needed His direction and His guidance.  

I came to the ocean seeking stillness.  I thought it would be easy.   

When we’re seeking stillness we tend to think:  If only I could get away; if only I could be quiet for  few moments; if only I didn’t have to do a,b,c.    I thought I would find stillness by coming to the ocean.   I thought I would find stillness by slowing my life down.  I thought I’d find stillness by spending more time in prayer.    What I found, however,  is that true stillness -- the shutting out of the world, the quieting of the mind -- is NOT easy  to achieve.   Being at the ocean, I definitely was feeling calmer … but the stillness I was seeking remained elusive.  

One day, quite by accident, I found/experience complete stillness.   That magical time when all the noise of the world, all of the responsibilities and obligations of life ceased to exist!     I found that moment of stillness by floating face up on the turquoise waters of the Gulf of Mexico.   As I floated  I purposefully opened myself up the wonder and beauty of God’s universe.   I did not pray.  I did not speak.  I just floated in pure silence.   All noise was gone -- both internal and external.  All there was was me, suspended on the turquoise water, staring up at God.  Without a word, without a thought, I felt as though the power and peace of God’s creation had entered me and lifted me up.  I had a true sense of stillness and everything was well with my soul.   

I found stillness, but it was momentary.   As I arose from my glorious time floating without  a care or a thought, the “noise” of earth gradually overtook the silence and peace I had been feeling.   Slowly, but surely, the stillness was replace with reality.  Ugh!   You know that pesky old thing called “reality” --- the responsibilities of life, the chores to be done, the shoulda, woulda, couldas.    

In her book, Gift From The Sea, Anne Morrow Lindburgh states that “distraction (noise) is, always has been, and probably always will be, inherent in woman’s life.”    How true!   Our days are filled with endless obligations and responsibilities.   Children, husband, home, work, grocery shopping, laundry … on and on and on.   How do we get still?  How do we find stillness in our days, weeks, life?

How do we keep still?   There is No On/Off switch.   We can’t just flip a switch and become “still”.    There’s no way I could remain floating on the water for hours, let alone days (I’d get pruney and sink!).   I am finding that stillness happens in moments and that true stillness is a habit to be developed, day by day.

"Silence helps us to understand our inner self.  If we want to understand God's way for us, silence is needed.  Stillness and quiet are like nourishment."   

O.S.B. André Gozier

I know.  I know.   Easy for him to say!    But, think about it for a minute.   All of us busy women crave moments of silence … to be able to hear ourselves think, to hear our own voice, to hear God’s voice.    We think, “If only I could win the lottery and have several days, weeks or months to just get away and commune with myself and my Lord”.   

There’s an old saying that I love -- “no matter how far your run, when you stop, there you are”.   Truer words were never spoken!   I can run to the ocean.   But, when I stop and stare out at the ocean I am still present with my mind spinning, juggling all my responsibilities and obligations.    We have to STOP ourselves.   We have to be STILL in order to experience STILLNESS.

I think my floating experience is a great metaphor for daily life.  I cannot possibly spend enough time silently floating on the water to avoid the noise of the world.   I can, however, float for a few minutes of Divine silence in order to commune with my God and to receive His energy, His strength, His power.     Ahhh.....those few moments of quieting MYSELF, of turning off all the noise, all the obligations, leave me recharged and ready to re-confront my day, my duties, my obligations.

I don’t have to fight for his attention.   I don’t have to go out into the wilderness and seek isolation to achieve the stillness that allows him to talk to us.   Exodus 14:13 instructs us, “The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.”

We can do that.   Each of us can make choice every single day to commit to a few minutes of mentally floating on turquoise water and being still.   You will be amazed at how refreshed you are and how God opens up a channel to talk with you, encourage you, and show you the way. 

Peace.

I'm coming up on the end of the second year without my sweet husband.   So much has changed, but then again, so much remains the same.   Over the last few weeks random thoughts, memories, and moments have popped into my head.   Good memories.   Bad memories.   And everything in between.   I work very hard to push the bad memories (the last days of his life here on Earth) out of my mind, as that is NOT the way I want to remember him.   I prefer to think of the happy times --- dancing at our wedding, holding our first grandbaby, working in the garden --- or, trying to imagine what he must be experiencing up in heaven --- the splendor of our Lord, the lack of pain, sorrow, worry.

Tonight I went to the annual women's conference sponsored by my dear friends and grace sisters of Grace In The Wilderness (wildernessgrace.org).   It is a two-day gathering of women to drink in the blessings of our Lord and to share our stories, our joy, our tears.    Each year I think that I could not be more touched by the women who share their stories, more moved by the presence of God in our midst; but every year I leave the conference humbled, encourage, and truly touched by the Holy Spirit.    

From the beginning of my journey through my husband's illness and death, I have held tight to the belief that God not only carries us through the storms of life, but that he also pours out his blessings on us.    The speaker at our meeting tonight is a brave young woman (wife and mother of three) who fought and survived cancer and her story, her experience, the beauty of her faith, helped to remind me of the blessings that Jesus has poured on me and continues to pour on me.    

I am so thankful that this women's conference has come at this time --- about two weeks before we mark the passing of sweet Len.    I am finally starting to feel at peace -- I miss him so very much and know that there will never be a day when I don't think of him, don't miss him.   But, the pain, the pure grief, has started to subside and I am finding peace and hope and I am building a vision of this next phase of my life.

Peace.   One of the greatest feelings on Earth.